A brave and beautiful inspiring piece from my friend Melody Krell. Highly encourage you to stop and read this. Follow her blog too. It’s great writing!
Originally posted on Follow Me Films:
The cards I had been dealt have been reshuffled, reorganized, and played differently in the last five years. The beauty of surrendering to what is, the hand you have before you, is freedom, and for me freedom meant getting brutally honest with myself, my doctor, and my God. When I walked into the hospital all those years ago telling the Nurse if they didn’t admit me I wouldn’t make it through the night I meant it. Now, only five years later, that person and that experience seems impossible and just plain stupid. Yet it happened. I really was so close to ending my life that in a state of panic and fear I somehow propelled myself to the Cedars Sinai ER in the pouring rain begging for help, for a life raft, for someone to take control and stop me from ending my life. And luckily, they did.
I spent from 22 to 32 on a tilt-a-whirl somewhere between mania, depression, and oblivion. The idea of something really being wrong with me was obvious, but the acceptance that I truly was “crazy” was absolutely unacceptable. A failure at life, and an admission that it was me all along, and I was the beginning, end and middle of all of my own struggles, but it is the truth. I was inevitably forced to decide who I wanted to be, who I believed I could be, and find the best way to turn it around and get there. A Gift from God Ex-boyfriend, a fellow dual diagnosis hiding in the shadows, put his foot down after seeing my manic depression rear its ugly head a time or two, and he drove that broken me to a clinic to meet with a psychiatrist once and for all. That Psychiatrist changed my life, saved my life.