And So It Is, Awe & Wonder, Inspiration, Manifestation Retreats

In The Voice of Someone Who Loves You.

February 19, 2013

**This essay is dedicated to all my Manifestation Maui Retreat Tribe members.

I am on Maui contemplating lost continents and lost lives.

It’s rainy and windy and mostly gray. Ronan passed away the day I flew here. He was almost three and he was suffering, badly. It was time. But, just because it was time doesn’t mean it made sense or it was fair or you didn’t want to pound your fists on a table and watch the shells and lamps fall onto the floor in millions of pieces and it also didn’t mean that you didn’t want to step on the broken glass with bare feet so you could feel something akin to being broken.

I got on the plane anyway, despite the sad news. I had a retreat to lead in Maui. People paid thousands and thousands of dollars to be there with me, and besides, me not going wouldn’t un-lose any lives. There’s that.

When I landed on the island my husband texted me from Los Angeles to tell me that his cousin and dear friend had had a heart attack as he was driving and died right before he crashed the car.

Lost lives. 

Yesterday morning, in the Manifestation workshop at my retreat, I asked my group to pick someone who loved them. They sat their on their mats and got misty eyed and nodded their heads to signal me that they had the image of that person in their minds, that their person had been picked.  Now, I said, write a description of yourself in the voice of that person. 

They read them aloud. One said this: 
Kelly you are beautiful, strong and important. You don’t need to change to be accepted. You are enough – good enough – kind enough. I love you for your compassion. You are beautiful and strong. You don’t need to struggle so much with who are. You are enough just the way you are. You aren’t how much you lift or how much you workout or how skinny you are. You a beautiful – you are strong – you are enough. You need to just believe it yourself. Love, Dad.

People started writing. Some sobbed. After the pens came down I asked why it had been so hard for them.  A woman in my group said because he believes in me when I don’t believe in myself. 

The things that break me. One: people saying Your dad would be so proud of you. A knife in my gut. It’s a here take this blade right in your heart. It’s always been that way and I have surrendered to the fact that it may always be that way.  

One of the girls on my retreat who is here from South Dakota told me at dinner last night that her 17 year old son was having a hard time. Melissa Shattuck showed me the text message she’d sent him: 

Only in stillness every day do we touch the realm of infinite potential, that space of our highest self. What are your intentions….put them into that space where you are in a deep state of quiet and calm. Talk and listen to the Universe/God in this way. Let it know what you want and that you want it with every cell of your being…..and then sweet heart you let it go…..the Universe/God will bring it to fruition at just the perfect moment and has a grander plan for our lives than you or I could ever think of….You are loved and adored and treasured!! And I think you are the most amazing person. And you’ll do it. You’ll live the life of your dreams…..no doubt about it. You are good and you are deserving, so deserving of everything you want. Much Love… Mom. 

I passed her phone back to her and let the knife stay there in my heart.

I went and meditated the next morning in a group sitting.There was this man there, Claudio, who apparently was “enlightened.” Now, I am not sure what that means but this man was special. He looked into my eyes for about 5 minutes straight without blinking. His mouth did these little twists and turns at the corners so it looked like he was going to cry and then a smile would sweep across his face as big as an ocean and he spoke something about oceans and being the ocean and not the wave and sitting in infinity. I didn’t really understand and yet I did.

Lost lives.

I started crying when he looked into my eyes because I felt safe and loved and his face turned into my friend’s Steve’s face who had passed away last year.

Lost lives.

Lemuria, the lost continent of the Pacific and I am here and there are no more lost lives when I look into Claudio’s eyes. He is saying we are the ocean. There is no separation. 

So when I asked my retreat folks to write those descriptions of themselves in the voice of someone who loved them you see, it was like asking for the infinity. There is no separation.

Their voice is my voice is your voice is the ocean is the baby is the I behind the I and then who is the I?

I am here thinking of lost lives and lost continents and lost beliefs. When did I lose this belief in myself? some of the people here have asked me. Not so much me as they are asking the wind and the lawn and the journal in front of them. It’s not lost, I tell them.  Nothing is lost. You are right here, where you always were, I say pointing to the place where they know their heart should be but where some think there is nothing but a windy hole. 

I am leading my retreat at a place called Lumeria in Maui, on the north shore of the island. 

Lemuria is the name of a hypothetical lost land located somewhere between the Indian and Pacific Oceans. Stories of Lemuria vary, but all share a common belief that a continent existed in ancient times and sank beneath the ocean.  An ancient civilization which existed prior to the time of Atlantis simply disappeared. Gone. Lost lives. Lemuria is also sometimes referred to as Mu, or the Motherland (of Mu). At its peak of civilization, the Lemurian people were both highly evolved and very spiritual. You can’t help but feel that here. You are infinite in all directions, says Claudio, and even though you have no idea in God’s name what that means you understand and know it to be true.

Concrete physical evidence of this ancient continent is difficult to find just as you may feel that any concrete evidence of you may be hard to find. Who is the you? Who is the I? Where are the lost lives? You may scribble in your journal or think in your mind which is always thinking thinking thinking.

(Look harder. Listen closer.)

Those descriptions written in the voice of someone who loves you, you might read them and think this person they are speaking of has sunk into the sea. This person does not exist anymore and in fact may never have existed. It may be a myth. You know nothing.

It is the concrete evidence.

Continents can move and float on the surface of the ocean so why shouldn’t you be able to do the same? Maybe you simply shifted or some geographical error occurred or maybe it wasn’t an error at all, maybe you forgot where you were? Maybe you were lost at sea. But see that description there? The one you wrote in the voice of someone who loves you? That is your map. You are no longer lost. You are no longer one of the lost lives or lost continents. You are here I say pointing to the place where your heart actually is. The place where I will now take the knife out of because my father wouldn’t be so proud of me.

It is not a hypothetical thing. He is proud of me. He is. The would be makes it myth. The would be makes it legend. It is fact. He is proud of me. As I am proud of me. My voice is his voice.

I don’t know if Lemuria existed or not but I am here at Lumeria and I fancy the idea. I am contemplating all that was lost and all that thought it was, but wasn’t lost at all. That place, right there. Your heart.

The ocean is the I is the heart is the you is the everything. 

I hope the son of the woman gets the text message she sent him and prints it. I hope he he saves it so one day when I ask him to write something about himself in the voice of someone who loves him, he can reach for it in his pocket and say I have it right here. In fact, I memorized it.

It is the ocean is the I is the everything is the love.

It will never have been lost. I hope that for him.

For all of us.

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  • Reply barbarapotter February 19, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    Wow this is so deeply beautiful.

  • Reply Follow Me Films February 20, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    Reblogged this on Follow Me Films.

  • Reply marika February 24, 2013 at 12:30 am

    Dear Marika,

    At a time in your life when you didn’t have a lot of reason to trust others, you trusted me. Your trust gave our hearts wings again and we haven’t stopped flying since.
    Your smile lights up my entire being. Your laugh is like music to my ears- that infectious belly laugh that lights up the room. I haven’t heard it enough lately.

    You have a heart bigger than the ocean. You let so few in, but look what happened when you let me in.
    We created something bigger than ourselves- which holds more love than we could have ever imagined (this family). Our love grew exponentially into what we now have- this big crazy house of 8- in all our beautiful dysfunction.
    Extended families often don’t live together like this. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to live within this big family unit, still guarded from your own experiences. Despite your initial and sometimes continued discomfort- we might have never all come together if not for you.

    Never has anyone loved me like you do. Unconditionally and unwavering. When I look all around you I wonder how you grew into such love despite your circumstances. You could stay angry (i still see flashes of it) you could be sad (you still are sometimes) you could feel sorry for yourself (yes, you do this too at times as much as I know you hate it and I’ll call you out on it every single time bc i won’t let you do it!), but you get up anyway- every single day. Despite the fact that your back feels like it is breaking and you don’t know when and how you will find relief- you get up every single day and love our family with wild abandon.

    You held the hands of the dying. You watched life slip away and you watched life begin. You care for people who were at the end of a long life, and for those taken too soon, and for babies so tiny you could hold them in the palm of your hand. You healed so many babies and families and I watched how much comfort you brought to them during the scariest time in their lives. i remember having to catch my breath the first time i stepped into the NICU. i will never forget when our little Minnie had her own stay in the NICU and our child’s life was in someone else’s hands. it was then that i realized how special what you did was. I watched you care so deeply about your patients even to your own detriment because that is what you do. You can’t help yourself. You care about everyone. And even though your back injury changed it all, you have found other ways to heal others. You will always be a nurse not because it is what you chose as your profession- but because for you- being a nurse is about healing. Healing of all kinds- not just in a hospital. You are a healer.

    A farm girl from Missouri came into this family and made my Grandma’s chicken soup like you had been making your entire life. Our family lights candles every Friday night because you won’t let our Jewish heritage be forgotten. All stemming from a little church going girl who got an All Things Jewish catalog in the mail and knew this was part of her somehow and never let go of it. And I know that it isn’t just a ritual for you but your love for God that drives you to bring back this tradition. I see my Dad flash back to his parents house in Brooklyn (like the scene in Ratatouille) when he takes a bite of your soup. You spring out of bed extra early on Fridays to make us the most amazing challah and to make one to give away- sometimes not knowing who you will give it to but pouring love prayer into it as you mix and knead the dough. I see how much joy it brings you to give to others and it makes me love you more.

    You are an unstoppable force. Sometimes you know it but most of the time you doubt yourself. Stop doubting yourself. You are a force for all that is right and beautiful with the world and you can’t let anything stop you-d inside that giant heart of yours. You can’t hold it all inside and the world needs your love. Do not be afraid. Give it away.

  • Reply marika February 24, 2013 at 12:40 am

    At a time in your life when you didn’t have a lot of reason to trust others, you trusted me. Your trust gave our hearts wings again and we haven’t stopped flying since.
    Your smile lights up my entire being. Your laugh is like music to my ears- that infectious belly laugh that lights up the room. I haven’t heard it enough lately.

    You have a heart bigger than the ocean. You let so few in, but look what happened when you let me in.
    We created something bigger than ourselves- which holds more love than we could have ever imagined (this family). Our love grew exponentially into what we now have- this big crazy house of 8- in all our beautiful dysfunction.
    Extended families often don’t live together like this. I know it hasn’t been easy for you to live within this big family unit, still guarded from your own experiences. Despite your initial and sometimes continued discomfort- we might have never all come together if not for you.

    Never has anyone loved me like you do. Unconditionally and unwavering. When I look all around you I wonder how you grew into such love despite your circumstances. You could stay angry (i still see flashes of it) you could be sad (you still are sometimes) you could feel sorry for yourself (yes, you do this too at times as much as I know you hate it and I’ll call you out on it every single time bc i won’t let you do it!), but you get up anyway- every single day. Despite the fact that your back feels like it is breaking and you don’t know when and how you will find relief- you get up every single day and love our family with wild abandon.

    You held the hands of the dying. You watched life slip away and you watched life begin. You care for people who were at the end of a long life, and for those taken too soon, and for babies so tiny you could hold them in the palm of your hand. You healed so many babies and families and I watched how much comfort you brought to them during the scariest time in their lives. i remember having to catch my breath the first time i stepped into the NICU. i will never forget when our little Minnie had her own stay in the NICU and our child’s life was in someone else’s hands. it was then that i realized how special what you did was. I watched you care so deeply about your patients even to your own detriment because that is what you do. You can’t help yourself. You care about everyone. And even though your back injury changed it all, you have found other ways to heal others. You will always be a nurse not because it is what you chose as your profession- but because for you- being a nurse is about healing. Healing of all kinds- not just in a hospital. You are a healer.

    A farm girl from Missouri came into this family and made my Grandma’s chicken soup like you had been making your entire life. Our family lights candles every Friday night because you won’t let our Jewish heritage be forgotten. All stemming from a little church going girl who got an All Things Jewish catalog in the mail and knew this was part of her somehow and never let go of it. And I know that it isn’t just a ritual for you but your love for God that drives you to bring back this tradition. I see my Dad flash back to his parents house in Brooklyn (like the scene in Ratatouille) when he takes a bite of your soup. You spring out of bed extra early on Fridays to make us the most amazing challah and to make one to give away- sometimes not knowing who you will give it to but pouring love and prayer into it as you mix and knead the dough. I see how much joy it brings you to give to others and it makes me love you more.

    You are an unstoppable force. Sometimes you know it but most of the time you doubt yourself. Stop doubting yourself. You are a force for all that is right and beautiful with the world and you can’t let anything stop you- past or present- from letting your light shine. The world needs your light and they need to know what you have to say and what you have to show them. I see you come to life when you have your camera or pen in your hand and you see beauty in things that others have thrown aside as “ordinary”. The world through your lens is so beautiful despite all it’s faults and pain. Stop holding it inside. It isn’t helping you or anyone else trapped inside that giant heart of yours. You can’t hold it all inside and the world needs your love. Do not be afraid. Give it away.

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