Abuse, Guest Posts, healing

Rape That Isn’t Really Rape (And Other Lies I Told Myself.)

November 22, 2014

beauty-hunting-jen-logo-black

TRIGGER WARNING This article or section, or pages it links to, contain information about sexual assault and/or rape which may be triggering to survivors.

 

By Kathleen Emmets.

Words on paper tearing open old wounds

Tears falling

Rolling Stone: “Rape On Campus” read the headline

Scandal at UVA

I put the magazine down and head to yoga

I focus on my breathing

Losing myself in the rhythms

Supported back bend

Heart wide open

I begin to crack

I am 16 again-
He has on heavy black boots

The kind you see on guys who ride motorcycles

Except he doesn’t

He is older

The roommate of a friend’s boyfriend

A double date

I’d never met him before

He seems fine

We smoke some weed

We go to their place

My friend and her boyfriend go inside

We are alone

On the floor in living room

He’s all over me

Fighting him off is like playing Whack-A-Mole

As soon as I get his hands off one place he puts them on another

Saying no and not being heard

He’s fumbling with the buttons on my jeans

I say no

His pants are down

I say stop

It’s ok, he says. It’s ok

He’s kissing my neck as he pulls down my pants

I say no

He is on top of me

He is inside of me

I turn my head to the right and float away

Time passes (I don’t know how long)

He kisses my cheek

He puts on his pants and those heavy black boots

He offers me a cigarette

I don’t smoke but I take it

Long, deep inhales as I come back to my body

Legs shaking

My friend takes me home

Do you like him? she asks

He was alright, I say.

I walk in the house and go straight to my room

Pink walls covered with posters of Nirvana

I crawl into bed

It’s not a big deal, I tell myself

I lock the memory behind a very heavy door

And try to forget the rape that’s not really a rape

There was no knife

No gun

Why didn’t I scream?

I didn’t hit him or try to harm him

I just said no

Repeatedly

Now, of course, I would call that rape

No means no

But then?

I wasn’t so sure

My mind had trouble making sense of it

But, my body knew

Weeks later, I could feel him moving inside of me

I would violently shake my head

Trying to rid my mind of the memory

As if I could somehow get it out like water trapped in my ear

Get it out and it will all be ok

It never is, though

You’re never quite the same

After a rape that’s not really a rape.

 

Kathleen Emmets is an avid music lover and yoga enthusiast. Her articles have appeared in MindBodyGreen, Do You Yoga, The Manifest-Station and Elephant Journal. She writes about her experience with cancer in her blog, cancerismyguru.blogspot.com. Kathleen lives in East Norwich, NY with her husband and son. She is a regular contributor to The Manifest-Station.

Jen Pastiloff is the founder of The Manifest-Station. Join her in Tuscany for her annual Manifestation Retreat. Click the Tuscan hills above!

Jen Pastiloff is the founder of The Manifest-Station. Join her in Tuscany for her annual Manifestation Retreat. Email barbara@jenniferpastiloff.com. Sep 2016~

Join Jen Pastiloff, the founder of The Manifest-Station, in The Berkshires of Western Massachusetts in Feb of 2015 for a weekend on being human. It involves writing and some yoga. In a word: it's magical.

Join Jen Pastiloff, the founder of The Manifest-Station, in The Berkshires of Western Massachusetts in Feb of 2016 for a weekend on being human. It involves writing and some yoga. In a word: it’s magical.

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

 

You Might Also Like

11 Comments

  • Reply Athena November 22, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Wow. Thanks for this. Almost my exact experience in high school 23 years ago. It took me a long time to accept what it truly was. I think it has damaged me in ways I never dealt with and still keep buried. I still ignore the truth of it.

  • Reply anita brown November 22, 2014 at 11:16 am

    My friend, my sister, you are so honest and real and lovely…it hurts. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is brave. It is open and receiving all God has that is good. And your beautiful eyes shine and radiate to all who meet you– I am LIGHT!!

    • Reply Kathleen November 22, 2014 at 8:18 pm

      Xoxoxo you are such a shining, bright light. Love you, soul sister

  • Reply Kimberly November 22, 2014 at 11:41 am

    I grew up in a small town. At the time of my not rape, I was 16 and I was in my 10th year of Catholic School… So It WAS always my sin. I am now 45, and, sadly it was the first of several incidents I carry with me…undelt with. Now that I am the parent of a 17 year old daughter, I try to really have an open dialog about sex. I have a 14 year old son too who needs to hear from me. Not everyone thinks it is rape when caught up in the moment, but it is. I’m grateful you are sharing your story. It needs to be told loudly and often. Blessings to your healing.

  • Reply Tena November 22, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Wow. I know.

  • Reply Someone Lost November 22, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    My heart goes out to you. Bless you. Imagine if it was your estranged husband and it happens more than once. You beg no, you say no over and over, you try to leave, you try to move. Afterwards you cry, you pray, your body shakes as you think about it. You wonder if you’ll ever be the same.

    • Reply Kathleen November 22, 2014 at 8:19 pm

      I’m so so sorry. My heart breaks for you. May you know healing. May your heart know peace. So much love your way

  • Reply Deb November 22, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    no your never really the same & it doesn’t matter how long time goes by if someone doesn’t know that person raped you & says ” he looked at you the wrong way ” & you start to unravel again decades later you it’s something you have to have courage & be brave on the outside while the fear on the inside you fight everyday & sometimes old patterns emerge again
    An act of passion..
    rape is rape …
    NO IS NO ….!!!

  • Reply completely understand November 23, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    God Bless you! So sorry for you and so proud that you share, because it eases my soul!

  • Reply What Doesn’t Kill You. – The Manifest-Station December 1, 2014 at 1:46 pm

    […] this on my Facebook page and it immediately felt like a Thanksgiving post to me. I felt grateful to Kathleen Emmets for writing it and for her father and for all the good in the world. For all the people who are […]

  • Reply Wild: A Non Cautionary Tale of One Crazy Summer. – The Manifest-Station January 26, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    […] Kathleen Emmets is an avid music lover and yoga enthusiast. Her articles have appeared in MindBodyGreen, Do You Yoga, The Manifest-Station and Elephant Journal. She writes about her experience with cancer in her blog, cancerismyguru.blogspot.com. Kathleen lives in East Norwich, NY with her husband and son. She is a regular contributor to The Manifest-Station. […]

  • Leave a Reply