Don't Be An Asshole Series, Eating Disorders/Healing, Guest Posts, Jen Pastiloff, Jen's Musings

I Can Grab My Belly Fat & Make It Talk. I Am Enough. PS- This Shit Is Hard.

June 25, 2015

By Jen Pastiloff

Hi! Gotta make this quick because I am packing to leave for Italy. I am leading a retreat there starting Saturday. I am not packed and I leave in two hours. I rule.

So, the demons have been back lately. I have been struggling. Who knows why? Free floating anxiety, not-so free floating, the kind that latches on and pulls me down real low to the earth, the kind that sits on my chest and won’t get off like a little bitch. Even when I call it a little bitch, it won’t get off. I have been watching Orange is The New Black and I’m all prisony. And yea, I too have a crush on the new girl on it. Ruby Rose. But I also have a crush on Pennsatucky and Black Cindy and Poussey and Taystee. And the whole show. I want to marry it! I am five years old. I love it so much that I want to marry it.

Anyway, the little bitch that is anxiety won’t get off my chest so my breathing is shallow and  I feel ungrounded, like I am floating, except that sounds kind of nice, and anxiety is not nice, so less like floating and more like a walking dead person. A walking panicky dead person. I hide it well. Probably not, actually. Ask any of my friends who get crazy texts from me.

In case you are new to my blog or my work, I had a severe eating disorder. It still haunts me at times. Anorexia and over-exercising. Like 5 hours a day exercising. Meh. (I probably could do that again if I could watch Orange is The New Black the whole time but nah. Gross.)

I posted this video on my instagram and challenged women (and men if they want to play too) to post a picture or video of their body using the hashtag #iLovemybody and #girlpoweryouareenough. My friend Maggie tweeted me this:
@JenPastiloff I think she’s just saying that you are awesome to accept yourself exactly as you are, when she can’t do the same.

Because I had gotten a comment on the video that said this:

 

“My belly looks exactly the same and I am unhappy because of it.”

The woman, by the way, clarified that she in no way meant it to be hurtful. Maggie was letting me know that I am an “inspiration” because I accept myself as I am.

Bull

fucking

shit I struggle. 

I struggle. But you know what? How can I be teaching young women that they are enough if I believe I am not? I refuse to be a hypocrite. I will never be perfect. Ever. Thank God. But, I will do my best to challenge the beliefs we have imbedded into our psyches, that to be enough- to be considered beautiful, we must be thin and white and whatever other dumbass patriarchal brainwashing notions of “perfection” they have slapped onto us and into our minds. It’s a prison. Yea, okay, Orange is the New black is on my mind, but still, it’s a prison of perfection. I refuse. So, when I feel that anxiety sitting on my chest, that prison bitch with her hairy ass, sitting on my lungs, I do what anyone would do. I grab my belly fat, make it talk, and then, post it on the interwebs.

orange-is-the-new-black_0

Why? A couple reasons. One: I want to be brave. I want to lead by example. I want to change my mind and the world’s collective mind about what it means to be beautiful. I want to be able to laugh at myself, every day. Err damn day.

I want to accept myself as I am. I want to hold myself accountable. I want to define what it means to be a woman for myself.

So much of it, for me at least, has to do with control. Lately, I feel out of control (book being sold, so much travel, things up in the air, I am a walking cliche.) But I do. I feel out of control. What then do I focus on? That’s right, kids. The body. My body. And I want to punish it and abuse it and tell it to fuck off.

So today, I won’t.

Instead, I grab my belly fat and make it talk and remind myself that I am indeed enough. No matter what. No matter when. No matter if. No matter.

I challenge you to do this.

Okay, I gotta pack. For real. I will be posting a lot on instagram and snapchat (@jenpastiloff) from Europe. I will be getting drunk in the airport in a few short hours. Unless I miss my flight. Then I will cry. That’s all. Bye.

I love you.

 

ps- I have only two spots left for my Tuscany fall retreat. I am doing two. I am a badass. Be a badass, not an asshole.

 

pps- I also have a crush on Natasha Lyonne and Laverne Cox.

 

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Comments

  • Reply Hillary M. June 25, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    Just found your website through a friend’s FB post. LOVE LOVE LOVE your post. It sounds like I need to take your Girl Power retreat….I’m constantly having to talk myself into thinking I’m enough. Bucknell alum? Me too! What year??? My husband and I both graduated from there – 2000 and 2001. You go, girl!

  • Reply Renee Greiner June 25, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Love the work you do. Love this belly talking.

  • Reply Kaycee June 26, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Thank you Jen. Have an amazing time in Italy. I wish so much that I could be at your retreat! I need all that positivity in my life. Thank you for your message. We are enough! My belly fat says hello, by the way. Xoxo

  • Reply Tara Oehlmann August 21, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Thanks so much Jen for being honest and brave, I am recovering from anorexia, binge eating, and exercise addiction myself. It is a daily challenge, my last escape of choice was bodybuilding, taken to the extreme. This society that forces focus on the outer and forgets the spirit, yes we need to be the change. Peace and love to you always!

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