courage, Fear, feminism, Guest Posts, Women

On Being an Unnatural Woman

November 20, 2015

By Leah Wyman

I’m walking in the the rainforest, debating whether or not to put in my iPod headphones to ease my jitters.

For a country with “Pura Vida” as its motto, Costa Rica can be an anxiety-provoking place for somebody who’s a borderline agoraphobic.  But here I am, covered in mud, my clothes sopping with sweat, swatting at bugs and moss, feeling all kinds of outdoor unknowns prickly all over me. I’m exhausted, I’m lost in the wilderness, and I’m grappling with the surreal situation I find myself in.

I had followed the map closely, I thought, but got turned around as to whether to climb up the creek bank or down the creek bank to get to the waterfall I was seeking. To most seasoned outdoorsmen (or just anyone who gets the concept of how rivers work), this wouldn’t be a mental struggle.

But hell if I knew—and downstream seemed conceptually like less of a labor. No guide, no common sense–just the great outdoors and me, scaling rocks and branches, sloshing my boots into deep pools, petrified of snakes, and talking to myself through this anxious situation.

You’re doing real good Leah, reeeeeeal good. You got this. I sputtered, spooked by weird animal and bug sounds and the rustle of leaves. I threaded the headphone cord in and out of my fingers. Maybe a little Katy Perry telling me I was a ‘Firework’ would spur me on.

Nature has always known its relationship with me: respectfully guarded but also utterly hysterical. It’s moved past dubious and now it feels like fact: the environment and its inhabitants are tickled by me. Mother Earth needs amusement like the rest of us, and I feel like the laughingstock of the terrestrial community.

As with most suburban brats, anything remotely wild in my past happened in zoos.

With my class at the primate exhibit at Brookfield Zoo I was standing completely unawares when I suddenly felt a nasty, mealy, putrid paste being flung repeatedly at my face and body. One of the so-called majesties we were admiring with awe had just thrown its shit at me. Gorilla feces all over me. In my hair, in my eye, all over my new sweater from the Gap, which I’d gotten for Christmas, which I really liked.

I was crying and humiliated while my teacher tried to wipe soapy water through nooks and crannies of cable knit. Mrs. Scott walked me to the zoo store and picked out a nerdy t-shirt with a baby otter that exclaimed “I Otter Be at the Brookfield Zoo!” for me to wear the rest of the day. (God bless you, Mrs. Scott).

On the bus I sat with my sweater wrapped in a plastic bag, alone in the back, already unpopular, asking myself the first of many “why me?” questions that would present themselves for a lifetime.

Nature is the boss; I get it. And it can go apeshit on you at any time.

Looking back, I see a weird pattern that would prove the point again and again.

In eighth grade, my mom took my sister and me to Sea World where I choked a dolphin. It was an accident. I’d been feeding it small fish from a plastic cup, and I don’t know who was more animated about it. Success! Connection! Once I ran out, the cup was left swishing with fish water.

“I bet this is tasty!” I thought. Something akin to the blue and green milk that felt like a reward at the end of a bowl of Fruit Loops. When I went to pour the fishy liquid into Flipper’s wide-open mouth, he bolted upward and frightened me. The cup slipped from my grasp and wedged itself firmly in the back of his throat. A mess of gagging sounds horrified onlookers before the trainers made their way over with some long mechanism that looked like a pool cleaner. Before they were able to pry it out, the cup disappeared–ingested and on its way to an uncertain (and I imagine digestively treacherous) future.

Strangers raised their voices about how my mom should have watched me more carefully, as I teared up and shook and panicked. Mom tried to calm me down as she led me by the hand out of the park. Enough nature for one day.

I’m fairly certain if the dolphin had passed away we would have heard about it on Dateline later. Yet another episode of inter-species awkwardness.

But I continued to try. I wanted to welcome the animal kingdom into my life with open arms. At home I started with a series of short-living hermit crabs and carnival prize fish. It even seemed my Tamagotchis were on a Kamikaze mission for death.

Maybe I needed something little, cuddly, soft—something with real personality, a furry friend. To my delight one serendipitous shopping trip resulted in the acquisition of an adorable pint-sized pal, a hamster, and Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrisette. (No relevance; just a good album).

My new small orange critter—Habib—came home with the finest of cages and cedar shavings and squeaky wheels. Thinking my luck might change, mom wanted to help me do this right. I saw things through. I’d like to think that Habib lived a nice life, slightly less than two years, under my devoted care before a plague overtook him. I held him in my hands as he death rattled, spewed forth some green liquid and his soul was released into the hamster hereafter.

I finally found my soulmates in dogs. Beauty, Scooter, McKenna and Annie have come in and out of my life in relationships that have been so impactful. Many people spend time anthropomorphizing animals (giving them human personality traits and even human swag) but the fact that they were wholly animal fascinated me the most. Their instincts were unwieldy and they could do all kinds of stuff I couldn’t do and they made funny sounds. But most of all, they wanted to share my cereal milk and didn’t throw feces at me.

Then there was Marvin. I was on a standard cashew butter run to Whole Foods one day when the trajectory of my natural life completely changed. I threw a glance in the direction of the pet adoption fair in the neighboring parking lot. There he was— a humble black lab/hound puppy, about 8 weeks, hanging his head. I connected. Instantly I knew we belonged to one another. It was animal magnetism— this dog was going to get me running outdoors. We’d sniff out new adventures together. Marvin broke the cycle.

He grew over the course of two odd years into a 70 pound oaf. Equal parts guardian, companion, and comic relief as he tripped over his legs trying to chase birds in the yard. To be fair about the anthropomorphizing, he did wear a bow tie: a distinctive and endearing shade of cobalt blue. But I found my natural rhythm with him and got in touch with my animal instincts: to protect, provide, nurture, to seek shelter from storms. To migrate. To fight for.

I lost the fight for Marvin.

Feeling fortified by my kinship to this animal, I took a chance on Costa Rica— time for a mini-break. The sense memory of kissing his flabby face goodbye is still pretty fresh. He watched me walk out the door with a befuddled stare, head cocked to one side. Be back soon Buddy; I’ll only be a little while. His gaze remained fixed on me until I was out of sight.

I had barely settled into the Osa when I received a phone call. I’d left the den, and Marvin acted out. His territorial instincts kicked into overdrive and he attacked another dog eyeing his food— a small dog, almost killing it. I could rush back, but that wouldn’t change anything. The unwieldiness wasn’t fascinating anymore, it was threatening. Nature had taken its course.

On an otherwise nondescript Saturday morning, my parents (the other two members of his pack) laid with Marvin in his dog bed on the floor and said a quiet goodbye and ‘thank you’ for me, as the vet ended his life with kindness. I sat on a beach alone, halfway across the world, feeling bitter and raw. This was all wrong. I locked myself in a dark room for days; the last thing I wanted to was to be out of doors. I needed to hibernate. I disconnected.

There’s the scream: Why me?

***

Now I could hear the falls ahead. The current was picking up vigorously. Finding my footing I used my walking stick to peel back the low hanging branches obstructing my view.

I’d made it to a waterfall–just not the one I was looking for. In the act of focusing on one foot after the other I hadn’t paid attention to the end game; just ahead of me was a ledge covered with sticks and leafy debris–and water hurled itself over a five meter drop. I gaped down and braced myself at the ill-timed realization: Oh, right, this is how a river works.

I could say I was terrified, but more than anything I was reeling at my own stupidity. A klutzy tumble could have resulted in my being hurled over the Costa Rica version of Niagara Falls with no barrel–just a bruised ego, the fitting punchline. You’re doing real good Leah, reeeeeeal good.

Yes, nature is the boss. And at this point, she’d given me only one option: tap out and turn around. Head back upstream. Scrape myself up. Throw on Katy Perry—if that’s what it would take to not feel shifty at every unknown noise.

Because I was tired, I paused. Every hue of green around me was glorious. Then something caught my eye. In the glassy water was a single, distinctive shrimp, darting around back and forth.

It was a familiar shade of cobalt blue. Distinctive, endearing.

I stuffed my headphones deep into my bag. Every sound was sublime. Howler monkeys in the distance, but no need to duck for cover from flying fecal matter. We were all inhabitants in nature, and it was no joke. It was Pura Vida.

Maybe I wasn’t lost in the wilderness after all. Maybe I’ll just stay here a while. Maybe in nature is exactly where I otter be.

When photographer/writer Leah Wyman found herself in the midst of a quarter-lifecrisis, she left her job in the church world for the sanctuary that is Southern CostaRica. A classical singer, composer and conductor with a B.M. degree from Man-hattan School of Music and further studies at the University of Oxford in England,Leah is finding inspiring new ways to use her voice–in harmony with howler mon-keys, scarlet ma-caws and crashingocean waves at blueosa.com.

 

Ring in New Years 2016 with Jen Pastiloff at her annual Ojai retreat. It's magic! It sells out quickly so book early. No yoga experience required. Just be a human being. With a sense of humor. Email barbara@jenniferpastiloff.com with questions or click photo to book. NO yoga experience needed. Just be a human being.

Ring in New Years 2016 with Jen Pastiloff at her annual Ojai retreat. It’s magic! It sells out quickly so book early. No yoga experience required. Just be a human being. With a sense of humor. Email barbara@jenniferpastiloff.com with questions or click photo to book. NO yoga experience needed. Just be a human being.

 

 

Join Jen for a weekend retreat at Kripalu Center in Western Massachusetts Feb 19-21, 2016. Get ready to connect to your joy, manifest the life of your dreams, and tell the truth about who you are. This program is an excavation of the self, a deep and fun journey into questions such as: If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do? Who would I be if no one told me who I was? Jennifer Pastiloff, creator of Manifestation Yoga and author of the forthcoming Girl Power: You Are Enough, invites you beyond your comfort zone to explore what it means to be creative, human, and free—through writing, asana, and maybe a dance party or two! Jennifer’s focus is less on yoga postures and more on diving into life in all its unpredictable, messy beauty. Note Bring a journal, an open heart, and a sense of humor. Click the photo to sign up.

Join Jen for a weekend retreat at Kripalu Center in Western Massachusetts Feb 19-21, 2016.
Get ready to connect to your joy, manifest the life of your dreams, and tell the truth about who you are. This program is an excavation of the self, a deep and fun journey into questions such as: If I wasn’t afraid, what would I do? Who would I be if no one told me who I was?
Jennifer Pastiloff, creator of Manifestation Yoga and author of the forthcoming Girl Power: You Are Enough, invites you beyond your comfort zone to explore what it means to be creative, human, and free—through writing, asana, and maybe a dance party or two! Jennifer’s focus is less on yoga postures and more on diving into life in all its unpredictable, messy beauty.
Note Bring a journal, an open heart, and a sense of humor. Click the photo to sign up.

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

The 12 Day Detox is here. Sign up now for the next cleanse on November 30th. Space is limited. This detox comes at just the perfect time. Reprogram your body and mind as we move into the holiday season. This is your time of rejuvenation and renewal.This is not a juice fast, or a detox based on deprivation.

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