That’s you, looming over my thoughts
My movements
My day
My life
I hate you
I really do
People say, “think positive.”
Have they known this pain?
Would they still shit rainbows
If they woke up to this every day?
For years and counting
I’ve hit rock bottom
Times where I thought it would be best
To end it all.
I’m no longer in that dark place
But DAMN I get really frustrated
I have really good weeks
I get a taste of what my life was
Then I’m hit
Days of never-ending
Pulsating
Throbbing
Stabbing
Torture
Radiating from my back
Up to the top of my head
Bleeding into my mood
Blurring it all
I don’t think I’ve hated anyone
As much as I do you
But wait
My son hates you the most
He’s growing up
Knowing pain
Seeing pain
Daily
On the face of his mother
On the body of his mother
He stopped asking me to play
A long time ago
“Momma…
When you die…”
He’ll frequently wonder
Out loud
He is six years old
He should not worry about death
His family drawings
Depict me in bed
“Will you be healthy one day?”
“So that we can play?”
I want with all my heart
To tell him that I will
But I would be lying
So, I nod my head and smile
“You look so beautiful…”
“When you smile…”
I realize then
My child
Isn’t used to seeing me smile
He grew up
Seeing pain every day
On his mother
Dear Pain
Fuck you to eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Upcoming events with Jen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anti-racist resources because silence is not an option.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ALEKSANDER SCHOLARSHIP FUND
